How the Grinch stole Starbucks

By Robert Beeland

Staff Writer

So let me get this straight—you’re angry about the Starbucks cup being red? Do you have a mental deficiency? Starbucks decided to dress their cup in the color of THE BLOOD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST and you are ANGRY about it? There’s a special circle of hell designed for people like you. I hope the next time you’ve got a hankering to jive with some java, a meteorite hits you. Maybe that fat internet guy with the hat without YouTube. Believe me, there’s nothing trustworthy about told you about the Starbucks cup. Why’d you listen to him? Because he brought a handgun to Starbucks and made a video about it? Let me reiterate, a guy used the camera on the front of his iPhone to film himself talk about Jesus and you believed HIM? Jesus fed a couple thousand people with one loaf of bread and a fish—he managed to build up a pretty big following that guy and his hoodie. Never trust anyone in a hoodie. Especially that bearded, ignorant, gun-waving maniac whose YouTube channel is finally making him enough money to move out of his mom’s basement.

In Toronto, you can buy a human skull for $750. I’m not kidding. There is a store, today, in our real-life world, called The Skull Store. In Toronto of all places! If you can find that in Canada, imagine what’s waiting in Chattanooga. Too bad you’re too busy reading BuzzFeed articles about the color of your coffee cup. Do yourself a favor. Stop worrying about the color of the cup your god-forsaken Peppermint Mocha festers in, and see the real horror of the world. Maybe you’ll be able to actually enjoy Christmas this year.

Photo courtesy of Vox.com

By Kurt Delay

Staff Writer

Yeah, I’m pretty pissed. These cups? Nonsense. Bologna. Malarkey. Blasphemy. A blatant middle finger to everything that this season signifies. The most recent display of this secular century’s in-yourface paganism comes in the form of a paper coffee cup. If you haven’t already heard, Starbucks has come out with a new Christmas-themed coffee cup for this year’s holiday season. However, you won’t be finding any mangers, wisemen, or myrrh printed onto your no-whip-gluten-freefree-range-grass-fed-skinny peppermint mocha. No, a bare red background occupied by a green, crowned mermaid is all that adorns this year’s cup. A mermaid, outrageous. I mean, what in God’s name is a mermaid doing on my coffee cup? What do mermaids have to do with Christmas? Not a damned thing, that’s what. Starbucks’ mermaid is clearly just another pawn in the global War on Christmas. Sure, she’s green, and that complements the red nicely, but aestheticism is no excuse for worshipping a siren queen.

It’s clear; this caffeinated idolatry is nothing short of a thinly-veiled attempt at outright subversion of what the holiday season is all about: the birth of Jesus. You think you can replace my Savior with some two-tailed fish lady? No way, Jose. Furthermore, why is there a mermaid on the cup to begin with? Yeah, Starbuck was a character in Moby Dick, but he was an amicable Quaker who loved Christmas, not a Christmas-hating sea hag. There’s no excuse to have a mermaid on your cup, unless the real end game here is propagating the ideals of a semi-aquatic cult of overpriced coffee-drinking yuppies. Advent is a season for preparation. And as we prepare our hearts and minds to welcome Jesus into our lives and we commemorate his terrestrial birth, Starbucks had better prepare themselves for the Old Testament ass-whoopin’ I’m about to drop on them. Keep Christ in Christmas, and keep mermaids out. Happy Holidays.