Tips and tricks for summoning demons this Halloween

By Finn Gallagher

Contributing Writer

Everyone knows the best way to get into the Halloween or first-or-like-second-week-of-November spirit is to call forth the Spawn of the Abyss to wow your friends and coworkers, destroy your enemies, and do your dark bidding, because sometimes your girlfriend just won’t. As an expert on the subject, as well as a 9th-level warlock, I’ve enclosed, free of charge, a series of tips to help YOU – yes, YOU! — summon the forces of Hell all by YOUrself.

1. Most people think that goats are the go-to animals for demon-summoning sacrifices, but they’re wrong. While any animal works, the capybara (a large rodent native to the jungles of South America) is a much-superior choice.
2. If you happen to bind one of the Tentacled Fiends of Gehenna to your essence, throw it back. They suck. They’re the kind of people that make up stories about what they did when they were drunk, and they kiss a lot of mirrors.
3. The most effective rune with which to adorn your summoning circle is that gangsta ‘S’ that everybody used to draw in the third grade.
4. A few helpful incantations include: dfnvaudfhuvi’ldsnjasjdiglhvjdlr, ss’sss’tashduvisldvh, khusadlhjvlsukhj, and fbiubpedsavjoishfhg;;;l. The faster you can say them, the more likely you are to summon one of the creatures of Lower Planes.
5. A diet rich in unbaptised babies can improve your ability to summon balors, yochlol, and glabrezu by almost two-hundred percent.
6. Go to a Hot Topic and buy them out of their entire inventory. Anoint all of it with the blood of that capybara I mentioned earlier.
7. If you can manage, make sure to do everything six-hundred and sixty-six times in a row.
8. Call the following number: 555-105-1026 and give your credit card number, date of birth, and legal name, as it appears on your birth certificate, to my personal assistant.

You’re welcome, and remember: if people make fun of you for wearing a robe and spelling ‘magick’ like an idiot, just remember, you have the tainted forces of the Far Realms on your side.