Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

Jackson Sparkman   
Opinions Editor

If you are in a romantic relationship or are celebrating the love of your friends and family, Valentine’s day is an opportunity to express humanity’s most complex human emotions. Whether you are buying tiny sweet treats for your friends, quilting heart shaped pillows, or just telling your friends that you appreciate them, we continue to make little traditions to help us better celebrate intimacy. 

No big gestures this year. They know that you love them. No repeats of last year. Sewanee PD will never get the image of your bed spread burning, the desperate smell of Febreeze, and at least five scented cheap candles and you outside Smith in your robe out of their mind. Pour a glass out of grape juice for yourself, or the cheapest wine possible to take the edge off. You are loved.  

Call your mom back. She needs to hear your voice, and she’s probably crying because she found the Valentine’s day card you made her in the fourth grade. 

The coconut chocolates aren’t coconut. Don’t eat them. If you see a squirrel fighting on the 16th, they didn’t mean it when they told you that you were the one. Trust no one, or trust everyone. You might have to dance very soon, but not so soon that you can’t watch a youtube video teaching you how.

Your anxieties are unfounded. Take a moment to name all the little things you love around you. Romanticize the cracks in the walls, the little chips of paint. Memorize the name of one flower, and dedicate it to a person you haven’t shown enough love to. This is a week to become free.

This isn’t the day to fight. If you want to change something, write it down. Explain how you feel. List the grievances, every single one. Then keep it for tomorrow.

Today is the day to fight. Scream from the top of your lungs. Sometimes love needs a kickstart. Love cannot exist in a vacuum. It performs and expands with every bit of your human emotion. You need to trust that you will find the truth in your anger.

You better blast the song “Maneater.” Men are horrible. They suck. Love and hate are neurologically similar. 

You might receive a, “no,” this week. It’s completely natural. If it hurts, make some tea for yourself. Cuddle a pillow. Process your emotions and reach out to a friend. Go to your CAPS appointment. You will outlive this rejection. 

You eternal optimist. Allow the sunlight through you. Photosynthesize. Dance in the wind, ask to hold your friend’s hand. Find a dog and pet the living hell out of it. Your love is yellow, all consuming, warm and kind. 

Suspend dis-belief. Your life is a movie. Maybe it’s Her, but I truly hope not. Look in the mirror. Are you Matthew McConaughey? Jennifer Garner? Watch your favorite rom-com to end the cycle. 

Drink water please. Watch out for broken glass. Cats will meow, and you must become ready for it. Write a note for friends, name your favorite thing for each of them. They need to know you see them in all of their wonder. 

Today is a wash. So it’s time to do laundry. Clean all of your favorite clothing.