The Sewanee Purple Executive Staff
Valentine’s Day is among us. For some, that means nothing. For others, that means a nice dinner at Papa Ron’s, Judith, or even in the faraway Xanadu that is downtown Chattanooga. For The Sewanee Purple Executive Staff, we wanted to have a bit of fun. We channeled the power of the stars to tell you your horoscopes. And believe us, we are taking this extremely seriously.
Aries
Overconsumerism is fun, Aries. You know those tacky Valentine’s decorations/items at Target? The ones that will sit in your storage for 364 days of the year? The ones that influencers peddle? Buy all of them. If you can’t beat them, join them.
Taurus
Get a new nail set, Taurus. You deserve it. And you don’t need a partner to pay for them. Become the diva you strive to be.
Gemini
Good news, Gemini. If you are abroad, you will find a beautiful lover.
Cancer
Bad news, Cancer. If you are abroad, you will not find a beautiful lover. But, no worries! You are still abroad.
Leo
Deberías tirar más fotos, Leo. You caught your partner watching Bad Bunny perform at the Super Bowl a little too attentively. It’s time for you to have a conversation with them. Whether that be an uncomfortable one is your call.
Virgo
The stars want you two to be honest, Virgo. Ask your situationship, “What are we?”
Libra
A performative male will hit on you, Libra. You may not expect it, but he will eye you like you’re a special edition vinyl of a Laufey album. Then, he will talk to you. “You look like the protagonist from this novel I’m reading.” He will then say the name of the book (it’s French, by the way) but with such a heavy accent you can’t determine if he’s making fun of the language. Then, he will ask for a coffee at Lunch, where he exclusively eats. The stars are telling us that you will reject his offer. Do you want to prove them right or wrong?
Scorpio
Look into my crystal ball, Scorpio. Come closer. No, closer. Okay, that’s enough. Floss your teeth more than you usually do before your Valentine’s Day date.
Sagittarius
For the last time, Sagittarius, the love of your life is not at a frat house! Especially not SAE!
Capricorn
Take an everything shower, Capricorn. Buy some body scrub and bubble bath. Put on some bossa nova. Romance yourself.
Aquarius
Your class crush knows a lot about you, Aquarius. Maybe you’re not as nonchalant as you think. Maybe you’re just… chalant.
Pisces
Buy Tinder premium, Pisces. According to Google, there are a lot of benefits. Discover who really likes you.