A turf act to follow

By Jack Russell

The football field has new turf. People walk and play on it. They added it this summer. Everyone is excited. Many people have an idea of what turf is, but those people are wrong. Nobody really knows what turf is, not really. Our turf isn’t grass. It’s not even a plant. Turf is a technological miracle, and that’s putting it lightly. Artificial turf blankets our putt-putt courses, our trailer parks, and now, at long last, our own McGee field. Sewanee has transcended the limitations imposed by plantbased field coverings. We are stronger than ever.

Artificial turf was first developed by the biotechnology firm Monsanto in 1965; four years after the company dumped the defoliating Agent Orange on the market and the rainforests of Vietnam, making Monsanto responsible for both the death and eventual irrelevance of plants. This has conspiracy theorists very excited. Astroturf was originally intended to serve as grass for Houston’s Astrodome; the first fully-enclosed football stadium. Since then, artificial turf has been used in a wide variety of commercial and residential applications, none of them particularly interesting or noteworthy.

Life in Sewanee has been forever altered by the arrival of turf. Everyone is affected. Megan McDowell (C’17) said
“The grass is plentiful… and green.” Lacrosse enthusiast Paul Ricks (C’17) proclaimed, “I love artificial turf. The ball grows legs, walks into the stick and says ‘Hi, pick me up now.’ It’s great.” The entire Sewanee Tigers football team could not be reached for comment. Turf is fantastic. Turf is revolutionary. Turf can change the world. Turf is your favorite zoo animal. Turf is a cold pillow and a shirt fresh out of the dryer. Turf is your first kiss. Turf loves you unconditionally. Turf is your childhood best friend. Turf is your new best friend. Turf is Morgan Freeman’s voice. Turf is love. Turf is life.