by Patricia Nkumane
She has it all: killer dance moves, faithful followers across the globe, cash mula, a hubby in rap-daddy Jay-Z… the list goes on. This girl is literally on fire. Need I say more? Let us not forget about the innovative and killer video album she secretly released last December. Home girl even lip-syncs as she pleases (cough, inauguration). But we, her ever-loyal admirers and minions, applaud endlessly. And loyal admirers/minions she has many. Last I heard, even Mrs. Obama dougies to “Halo.” Every little girl out there dreams of being her, and just like in “The Christmas Song,” their ages range from one to ninety-two. Maybe even her daughter? Don’t wish too hard though: Blue Ivy has that spot filled.
Although it’s a dream of many a Sewanee student to run into the Queen at the South Pittsburgh Wal-Mart, that unfortunately is not a very realistic hope as Beyoncé most likely has never even heard of Sewanee, TN. Until she does, however, we must resign ourselves to listening to her new eponymously titled fifth studio album and creating shrines with life-sized cutouts of the Queen. Released on December 13, it’s made headlines due to the secrecy before its release and the innovative storytelling technique Beyoncé utilizes in the music videos. Beyoncé consists of 14 songs, each with an accompanying music video that would be better described as a short film.
Here at Sewanee, Beyoncé doesn’t rock our socks off: we are too smart for that cliched shebang. Instead, she snatches our gowns! The unexpected release of her record-setting album lead to the disappearance of all gowns across the Plateau. Not even a mere hyperbole, however, suits to accurately describe our enthusiasm and love for her. I set out all over campus and asked fellow Mountaineers or Plateauers (whatever, you get it) and asked for their opinions on the Queen.
“If I was a lesbian, she would be my number one slampiece,” Annie Carter (C’17) said. Unlike Carter, I decline to take that route and simply proclaim that a four Loko has got nothin’ on her. She is the only thing I can see through the Sewanee fog.
Walker Buxton (C’17) is also quite the obsessive Bey fan. Her dorm room is decked out in all kinds imaginable posters, CDs, movies, you name it, that the Queen appears on. I am jealous that she’s a more loyal fan than I am.
Finally, in the words of my dear friend Will Salzer (C’17), “Beyoncé is a “Goddess!”