By Robert Beeland
“The Trump.” I would say “love him or hate him,” but you already know you love him. Huh? What’s that I hear? Trepidations from your lowly, cowardly self? “He’s ridiculous—an arrogant, narcissistic, son of a—“ No. I’m not going to dignify your simpleminded response. You are obviously incapable of recognizing true greatness, and are in dire need of me to educate you. Just shut up. You wish you were capable of hating him. Then you might feel the slightest ounce of real conviction for once. Instead, you choose to wallow in the indecisive, ignorant purgatory of your own thoughts, refusing to leave the filthy inner caverns of your mind that suffocate your reason and blind your vision of reality. Oh if you—you disgusting troglodyte—could only see the truth of the Trump. Donald embodies all that America so desperately needs. A real, bona fide leader, he spits in the face of danger. He crushes his enemies, sees them driven before him, hears the lamentations of their women. All the while, he coifs his majestic hair, turns to the American people, and smiles. As Trump himself says, “Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.” Well put, Don. Well put.
His views on global warming? He’s no wishy-washy Al Gore scientist nerd. He backs up his claims with hard facts, like the undeniable reality that “[t]he concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing noncompetitive.” Now that sounds like someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind. However, Trump isn’t just a tactical genius. He has a flair for the arts and aesthetics as well. Speaking about the media, Trump declared, “You know, it doesn’t really matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” I know that I’d like to see a man who can appreciate the finer things in the White House. He can look inward for such traits as well, as he has so aptly said, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body.” If only we could all reflect on ourselves with the same brutal honesty.
So, America. Who would your rather be the Leader of the Free World? A Taylor Swift-interrupting egomaniac or a proven business genius? Hopefully by the 2020 election, the Donald will be running as the incumbent. If you think about it, none of the other candidates stand a chance. In Trump’s own words, “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” God bless America. God Bless Donald Trump.
Photo by Robert Beeland and Kurt Delay
By Kurt Delay
“I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”
And in that moment, the earth stood still.
Kanye Omari West has announced that he is, in fact, running for president of the United States of America. Praise Yeezus. It may seem far off, but it’s never too early to start educating yourself about potential candidates, even for the 2020 election—and if you ask me, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if West decided to throw his hat in the ring this round. Time Clearly we are all sick and tired of professional much to ask for a little bit of honesty? I can guarantee you one thing, there’s no person on Earth more brutally honest than Kanye West. If Donald Trump felt that Beyoncé had been cheated out of an award for making the greatest music video of all time, what would he have done? Probably sat around with his fat cat business partners and whined about it as he sipped his virgin Cuba Libre. I don’t want my president to be afraid to down half a bottle of Hennessy, jump on stage, and publicly shame the music industry for their relentless musical bias.
In addition to his honesty concerning the underpinnings of the field of entertainment, West makes no bones about voicing his thoughts on classist America. West may be flirting with membership into the top 1%, but he certainly hasn’t lost his connection to his roots. “Before you ask me to get a job today, can I at least get a raise on a minimum wage?” said West, when voicing his thoughts on class mobility. Another hot topic for West is health care for the underprivileged. Kanye West wants to know, “if Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS, and all the broke muthafs passed away, you tellin’ me if my grandma was in the NBA, right now she’d be okay?” I don’t know Kanye, I just don’t know.
On education, West certainly doesn’t pull any punches. As a college dropout himself, Kanye makes it very clear that he doesn’t believe that higher education is necessary to succeed. He laments the situation of students who “won’t drop out of college” for fear that “[their] parents will look at [them] funny.” “Tell me that ain’t insecurr,” says Kanye, “the concept of school seems so securr, sophomore three yurrs ain’t picked a carurr, she like f it, I’ll just stay down hurr.” F it indeed, Mr. West. How long are you going to wait, America? “For ever ever? For ever ever? Ever ever? Ever ever? Ever ever? Ever ever? Ever ever?” Personally, this writer is “bound to falling in love” with the idea of President Kanye West.