By Taylor Morris
Election season is again upon us. Yay. As a dabbler in politics myself (I earned a B.S. in the subject from Der Universität Moresberg in 1994), I feel obliged to give everyone a quick summary of the candidates, their stories, and their positions. I will endeavor to be an unbiased as I can in this thoughtful, well sourced, thoroughly researched analysis. As the party with more contenders for the nomination, we’ll start with the Republicans, proceeding in no particular order. Democrats will follow, also in no particular order.
Donald Trump: Current frontrunner for the Republican nomination. Will almost certainly “Make America Great Again,” but unclear at this point if it will be the same America we know today. Logic and Liberals agree that nominating him would be a terrible idea, but the “silent majority” seems to disagree. Has a unique quality among all contenders—gaffes only make him stronger. This is the greatest thing to be feared from those who oppose him. Every day someone calls him a joke candidate or a fad seems to only lengthen the duration of his tenure on top of the polls.
Ben Carson: The conservative’s answer to Barack Obama. No political experience, but the smartest out of both sides of candidates (TO ADD: is this an accomplishment?). Will eliminate one of the great social justice grievances against Republicans should Carson get the nomination, which seems more and more to be a distinct possibility. Has taken to a recent pattern of saying extremist things to test his vulnerability/sway Trump supporters. He must realize he is not as untouchable as The Donald, or things will go bad in a hurry.
Jeb Bush: 43’s brother and 41’s son. Probably the Bush that should have been president from 20012009. Much more articulate than his brother, which makes it all the more frustrating that he’s losing to a bunch of “trump cards.” “Smokes weed every day.” Based upon presidential affiliation patterns and the will of campaign funders and the GOP, will assume office as president in early 2017.
Carly Fiorina: The conservative’s answer to Hillary Clinton. A bit smarter in that she lets her lady parts speak for themselves and actually discusses the issues. The only scrub candidate able to get promoted to toptier candidate. Ran a company back in the day, so she’s also females’ answer to Donald Trump. Also very boring, so perhaps the GOP leaders’ answer to Ted Cruz. There’s also no way in hell she’ll ever be President, so call that skinny people’s answer to Chris Christie.
Marco Rubio: A young politician from Florida so well spoken you don’t realize at first that he’s talking about bombing Iran. Born to Cuban immigrants, and he’ll never let you forget it. Will almost certainly be President one day if he keeps at it, but probably not in 2016. The only politician that’s taken on Trump and not ended up in a shallow polling grave.
Ted Cruz: Really dull guy. Really boring face. Ironically hates Mexicans. He also….one time he….sorry, I really don’t have anything else. He’s just not giving me that much to work with. If he doesn’t want things to get (more) embarrassing, expect him to withdraw soon. Recently said Trump will not be the GOP nominee. Neither will Ted Cruz.
John Kasich: Governor of Ohio? That sounds right. Honestly a strong middle ground candidate, but that’s not the name of the game this cycle. Not bombastic or famous enough to make an impact in our country’s glorious new realityTV style election process.
Mike Huckabee: A big deal in the 2008 election. Not anymore. Gets fussy when moderators don’t pay enough attention to him. Gets even fussier when people vote for Donald Trump instead of him. Will personally abort any woman who has an abortion with his bare hands.
Chris Christie: Went by the name Luca Brasi in his younger days. Will brutally murder Rand Paul live on stage if they somehow both make it to the next debate. Will not be President. Ever.
Rand Paul: The winner of the “you’re not as cool as your Dad” award. Likes drugs. Foolishly picked a fight with The Donald in the opening minutes of the first Republican debate. Polling hasn’t seen the light of day since.
Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki: A bunch of scrubs too stubborn/stupid to realize it’s hopeless. Santorum actually won the Tennessee primary of the 2012 election. The Volunteer state still hasn’t lived that one down.
Scott Walker: The only toptier GOP candidate smart enough to get out before Donald Trump killed his family.
Rick Perry: The only scrub GOP candidate smart enough to get out before Donald Trump killed his family.
Hillary Clinton: Bill Clinton’s wife. Just as leading conservatives have focused on not being politicians (a key factor for a party dissatisfied with current leadership), Hillary focuses on her gender, presumably to continue the pattern of recent historymaking presidents. Numbers say hype is wearing off, but the media and so called “political scientists” disagree. Confused her personal and private email addresses, so now everyone knows not only about her business during her tenure as Secretary of State, but also about her lifelong struggles with addiction to Hornel’s Spam Spread. Expect sympathy to increase polling numbers (a first for Ms. Rodham.)
Bernie Sanders: The liberals’ answer to Donald Trump. Frighteningly good speaker. A Senator from Vermont, a degree of mystery lies in his past career. The former US ambassador to the Soviet Union, Senator Mark Hampton (DWI) said of his relations with Sanders, “Something changed after Bernie met Stalin. I mean, he was still a great guy. He still spat hot fire in his Reggae albums like you wouldn’t believe, but it was his eye—something just seemed a bit more…red.” The only presidential candidate that doesn’t think Black Lives Matter is ridiculous; Black Lives Matter doesn’t like him. Says a lot of things that sound great, but that even a first semester Econ student or an individual even passingly familiar with mathematics realizes are impractical. His popularity with many liberal arts students is therefore unsurprising. An election between Bernie and Trump (i.e. a Battle of the Extremes) would be the greatest election in the history of elections. It will also likely mean the end of America.
Joe Biden: A troll who gets his lulz from teasing people about a potential candidacy. Also a career politician, “walking, talking, gaffe factory”, and convicted plagiarist. Will almost certainly run (bad for Hillary). Polling roughly on par with Bernie. Some local conservatives have warmed up to him recently, as the only member of the Obama administration to refer to the Chattanooga shooter as a terrorist. That was almost enough to make them forget about Biden’s association with “that idiot in the White House.”
Mike O’Malley, Jim Webb, and Lincoln Chafee: Some people who don’t matter. I’ve already forgotten their names since I typed them. The eternal difference between this Lincoln and the other Lincoln is that the latter is a US president.
And that’s the field. Personally, I feel that our country has really got a great crop this year. We’re showing unprecedented levels of diversity, cordiality, and morality among our candidates. I’ve greatly enjoyed every episode of this season of The Election so far and am eagerly awaiting the next. I hope you are, too. Make sure to check out the first Democratic debate which aired recently on CNN. Highlights included Hillary Clinton sharing some lighthearted, memeworthy email conversations with Ahmed Khattala, and Bernie Sanders burning an American flag on live television. The debate was moderated by Joe Biden.