Fraternity member disappointed in his new Vineyard Vines shirt

By Simon Boes

Executive Staff

The return of the student body to the Mountain brings many things. Topping the charts: The dreaded Sewanee Plague, the business of the Sewanee Market, and the sharply dressed community members, among others. Many students greet the first day of classes with their best look. However, things went awry when sophomore Crutley Templemann II finished his strut from Benedict to Gailor. Not a single person had complimented him on his new seersucker shirt and whale printed shorts. Slightly dazed, friends of Crutley reported he wasn’t mentally present throughout class while a classmate who wishes to remain anonymous noticed a bead of sweat dripping onto his Representative Masterpieces syllabus.

With hope, Crutley swaggered into the twelve o’clock McClurg rush eager to see his buddies and plan the year. After eleven minutes in the homeline, Crutley snagged a seat with his friends. With a few handshakes and friendly jabs, the conversation flowed. However, not a single mention of Crutley’s new outfit penetrated the conversation, which led to Crutley slinking out of McClurg to Snowden. One of The Purple’s investigative reporters spoke to Crutley at the end of the day. When asked why he looked so sad, Crutley said, “My outside may have been fresh out of a Southern Proper catalogue, but my inside felt like the bottom of a Natural Light can.” With great expectations comes great disappointment, as Crutley racked up zero compliments against a self-predicted eight. Sensing a feeling of intrusion, the reporter left and paid her respects to Crutley with a curt, “You look sharp today.”

Remember Tigers, no one cares more about how you look than you do. And you all look great.

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