By Simon Boes
In a recent study completed by the University of Colorado-Boulder, analysts ranked Elliott Hall 7th in a special category. With its proper suffix, Elliott Hall, Home for Gentlemen is the most respectable dorm in Tennessee.
The study goes on to elaborate that due to Elliott’s charming residents and thoughtful use of dorm property, it is given this rank. Students on the first floor tend to alleviate stress by playing music together well into the night instead of debauchery. Students on the second floor use the common space frequently, and take turns cleaning it once a month. Students on the third floor are always concerned for proper hydration, as you can see most of them drinking together at any point in the day.
Between the walls with posters of Tolstoy quotes and admirable women, most residents wake up early to shower and start the day. Naturally, the men who reside in Elliott dress well, alternating between coat and tie and Patagonia and Barbour religiously. In a recent dorm meeting, the men of Elliott asked themselves a tough question. How could they climb the ranks and get that top spot? Charles McQuarterzip pondered, “C’mon lads, perhaps if we got the cushions out of the bathroom sink that could elevate us.” To which Bernard de Parlour retorted, “That would require too much effort and strain the relationship with the gerbil that is living on the sofa.” Thankfully, the meeting ended when Charles explained that his dad works at Barbour and would send the analysts some free coats. In a post-meeting interview, Bernard explained, “I forget if I’m a junior or senior, but the men of Elliott have been the Thoreau to my Whitman, the Magic to my Mike, and the koozie to my 12th Natural Light.”
Satire might be the supreme form of comedy, and with a dream of being a staff writer for The Onion, Simon likes to channel his perception of reality into a newspaper column.