Top Ten Sewanee Alternative Facts

By David Provost

Contributing Writer

  1. If you step, stomp, or tap-dance on the Sewanee Seal located in All Saint’s, you will not graduate. The seal is sacred. The consequences involve being strapped-in A Clockwork Orange style and watching an endless loop of “Choices 101” seminars until you know what’s good for you, dammit.  
  2. Translated in English, Ecce Quam Bonum means: “Eat Well Be Well”. The only thing to behold here is how nifty that new soup line is. Yum!
  3. Sewanee was the first all-girls university in America since its founding in 1994. The spirit of the Wick abided in every single living space up until the mid-2000’s. (Ask an alum about the original neon-pink Fulford Hall!).
  4. Benedict Cumberbatch was almost Vice-Chancellor Cumberbatch. Award-winning British actor known for SHERLOCK and Star Trek: Into Darkness lost to vice-chancellor McCardell in a historical tie-breaking vote, settled by Aux Board chairman, Mike Pence.
  5. Sewanee is a dry-campus. Duh. Drinking in college is usually against the law, silly!
  6. Sewanee’s most successful sport is Division III foosball. YSR means business when it comes to foosing around. And it’s about time the champs got their locker rooms renovated. Catch the regional semi-finals next Thursday night on ESPN after-dark.
  7. The University of the South is actually located in the North. No getting around this one. Ask map-master and Sewanee senior, Peter Davis, if you have a seed of doubt in your mind.
  8. Sewanee’s mascot is a literal wagon wheel. And that was before Hootie had anything to say about rocking mamas.
  9. Everyone who works in the Academic Technology Center (ATC) is a robot. With the occasional cyborg, but who’s splitting hairs here? It’s no wonder these folks are so efficient. Don’t bang on the printers, because they’re robots too.
  10. There are 11 Sewanee Alternative Facts in this Purple Article.

 

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