We Need To Talk about Ice Cream

By David Provost

Contributing Writer

Advent Semester 2017 has brought a lot of change to Sewanee, most notoriously perhaps, the collapse of the Golden Age of Ice Cream as we know it. The McClurg Ice Dream was the talk of the town for so many years, but something revolutionary has happened. VEGAN BLOOD ORANGE SORBET. You’ll see the sharpie writing on the glass everyday, at least once a day. It will see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re in pain. Cookie dough, butter-pecan and Rocky Road are relics of the past, and The Sewanee Purple Investigation Team™ got to work seeking the truth. This isn’t just an opinion hit-piece about privileged youth’s secondary opinions on dessert. This IS journalism.

“Do you remember when they first brought out Vegan Blood Orange?! Because I don’t! No, somebody tell me, please. I’m frightened.” -McClurg Dining Hall Employee

“The end is nigh. First they bring us blood, next comes bones and despair. #notallsorbet “ -Frozen Dairy Treat League of Old-School America

“I am one with the Orange and the Orange is with me I am one with the Orange and the Orange is with me” -Blind Sage

“Coffee flavored ice-cream is a poor substitute for Iced Coffee and we all know it!” -Former Caribou Coffee Advertising Chief

“I’m personally a huge fan of the Vegan Blood Orange. I would be totally fine if the only option was Vegan Blood Orange, everyday.” -Robert Beeland

“Ever since primary flavors have been shunned, I’ve re-branded my identity. My skin is Orange. My diet is Vegan. My name is “blood.” -Anonymous

“My wife of eleven years left me the very same day McClurg signed the blood orange contract. Our marriage was on the fritz anyway, but Scooperman was my FAVOURITE!” -British faculty member