Letters from Hell: Screwtape Revisited

By Richard Pryor III

Executive Staff

 

Friends, here at The Sewanee Purple, we are quite proud of our Investigative Team™. David Provost learned about Sewanee’s ice cream preferences last issue. Simon Boes investigated Kappa Sigma’s Chamber of Secrets. But today, I have stumbled on something even greater: a file entitled “The Sewanee Files” from the archives of noted Senior Tempter Screwtape, consisting of conversations that Screwtape and other demons have had in regards to this very campus. My notes on these conversations are given in brackets [such as this one.]

 

MEMO

 

FROM: Belial, Deputy Director of S.I.N. [That’s the Subterranean Intelligence Network]

 

TO: Screwtape, Senior Tempter; Our Father Below

 

RE: The Episcopal Threat

 

Sirs,

 

I understand we are all concerned about the effects of this Muhlenberg Memorial, but this idea of a southern Episcopal college should scare up. Allowing the Episcopalians to gain a foothold in the south is not good for us and is good for our enemy. We must fix this ASAP.

 

— B.

 

MEMO

 

FROM: Screwtape, Senior Tempter

 

TO: Beelzebub, Chief of Staff of Hell

 

RE: American Intelligence Report

 

Honored Sir,

 

I have been informed by my contacts that the University of the South is stopping mandatory attendance in Chapel. However, I don’t expect this to hurt them that much. EQB (their university motto, which stands for the latin phrase Ecce Quam Bonum, which wants them to live together in unity,) is too well ingrained for us to do much. We can only wait and see.

 

— S.

MEMO

 

FROM: Darth, Rookie Tempter

 

TO: Screwtape, Senior Tempter

 

RE: Sewanee

 

Bossman,

 

I’ve heard through tech news about the grapevine and apparently there is such a thing being used called a “cellular phone,” which is a portable phone. They’re apparently gaining in popularity. Perhaps if we made them desirable and distracting, that would allow us to gain a foothold over our enemy. And possibly over that campus that is just so nice to each other with that “passing hello” too.

 

— D.

 

MEMO

 

FROM: Screwtape, Senior Tempter

 

TO: Darth, Rookie Tempter; Asmodeus, Director of S.I.N.; Beelzebub, Chief of Staff of Hell

 

RE: Sewanee

 

Sirs,

 

I like the suggestion my subordinate has made on future temptations. I think you should follow it.

 

— S.

 

MEMO

 

FROM: Beelzebub, Chief of Staff of Hell

 

TO: Screwtape, Senior Tempter; Darth, Rookie Tempter

 

RE: Sewanee

 

Gentlemen,

 

On behalf of the boss, it is my honor to congratulate you on a job well done. Your constant work to promote cell phones, allowing for a “passing hello” to fall by the wayside, as well as your constant work to turn all away from the golden rule (or as they supposedly call it, “EQB,”) have culminated in another successful operation. Commendations will be coming your way, and Mr. Darth, it is my honor to promote you to Junior Tempter in our Conflict Department. Screwtape, we’ll see if something can be found for you, old friend. Once again, well done on Operation: Behold How Bad.

 

— B.

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