Simon’s Satire: New assigned seating in McClurg dining hall

By Simon Boes

Executive Staff

Recent reports from the Purple Investigative team have yielded fascinating results, a new experiment expected to roll out next semester. The registrar’s office will assign seats for lunch and dinner and rotate every two weeks. Currently, students often meander around the dining hall in groups, but to foster a better sense of community, this plan will help you meet new friends.

When asked about the new changes, student body president Parson Tringham (c’17) explained, “Yes, I actually proposed this idea to the administration and they loved it, we should all be laughing together in no time!” He went on to say, “This could be a great tool for recruiting new students, I’ll get admissions to come film us all smiling.”

However some people are not excited for the new changes. Angelica Clare (c’19) admits, “I come to McClurg to be by myself, not talk to some random people.” Expectations are high for some, as Felix Cuthbert (c’18) mentioned, “I didn’t really make a lot of friends during formal rush, but I’m looking forward to this initiative!” Tringham allegedly vied for breakfast to be added to the list, but it did not make the cut.

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