Photo courtesy of cosmopolitan.com
By Barton Perkins
Do you have a roommate that you just utterly despise? Maybe you’re a freshman with a roommate that you never hit it off with, or just got a crap room draw. Regardless, you want to destroy someone you are living with, and never want to see them again in your room. Listed below are ten surefire ways to accomplish this feat.
- Sleep is for the weak.
Never sleep. Turn the brightness of your computer up the max and spend the whole night typing loudly. Make sure your roommate is trying to sleep during it. In order to stay up late, gorge yourself on caffeine and junk food. Do this every single night you can. This strategy works especially well if your roommate has early classes. Place them on cut warning and get them kicked out of your life.
- Frequently give your roommate health advice.
Question all of their life choices. They drink too much and they eat like a pig. They don’t know it so you need to tell them. Obviously, your roommate needs a mothering figure in their life and you need to be it. Beat them into submission with nagging and condescension. They will break beneath you.
- Masturbation: everyone does it.
Everyone masturbates. Do it with your door unlocked, and the chances of your roommate walking in on you go up a fair bit. Perhaps if you want to take it a step further, you can time it so that your roommate is guaranteed to walk in on you after getting home from a class. When they enter the room, lock eyes with them and keep on going. Stare them down until they leave. Then say nothing about it, and do it three more times. After that they will never be able to make eye contact with you again.
Get blackout drunk every night and vomit everywhere. Maybe fall through glass a couple times and pass out nude covered in piss. Make yourself a massive burden, and be very unapologetic about it. Act hurt when your roommate criticizes you for it, and convince them that they are the problem.
- Sex it up.
Have sex with your partner on your roommate’s bed. Not regular sex, fetish that crap up. Wait until your roommate has slept a night in that bed, and then tell them about it in graphic detail. Then rinse and repeat.
- Be a nudist.
Be comfortable in your own skin. It is after all how God made you. Be completely nude whenever you are in the room, and maybe sometimes when you are not. No matter how much your roommate flinches, don’t let them body shame you. But act crazy whenever they start getting changed around you. Drive them insane with the hypocrisy.
- Steal their clothes and hair brushes.
You and your roommate share a space, and logically that means everything in that room is communal. So borrow their stuff without asking them. Better yet, take the good stuff home with you during breaks and leave it there. That way they can never get it back. Hair brushes, clothes, and toothbrushes are fine. Just don’t take anything truly valuable. You want to drive your roommate crazy, not get kicked out of school for taking a computer.
- Laundry: it’s your mom’s job.
Never under any circumstances do your laundry. It’s your mom’s freaking job and there is no way in hell you should be expected to do it. Amass a massive pile of filthy clothes and refuse to wash them. Just keep on re-wearing them, letting the stench grow. Eventually the smell will start peeling the paint off of the walls and your roommate will break and just offer to wash your clothes for you. Wait for that day with bated excitement.