Simon Satire

By Simon Boes

Executive Staff

Sources confirmed the arrival of the self-dubbed “Russian Street Preacher” on University Avenue last Wednesday. Warning college students across the country of the plethora of their egregious sins, “Brother Mikhail” was on an extended pilgrimage across the States to find salvation for students in higher learning. Both “Brother Mikhail” and dissenting students voiced opinions properly and respectfully.

Reports acknowledged a later unlikely event. In attempt to engage in proper and polite discourse, a sorority invited the man to a formal later that night. Much to the surprise, the man holding the sign boding hell to any “vixens” or “alcohol” accepted in a gesture of goodwill. Roughly half of the snapchats at the party were of “Brother Jed” cataloguing and reporting the party violations through OrgSync.

Accompanying “Brother Mikhail” was “Brother Jed,” a man of similar principles and vocations. “Brother Jed” did less preaching, however promoting his newest novel, which was recently priced at $6.66 on Amazon. Coincidentally, no books were reported sold during his trip to Sewanee.

Abby Lightning (C’18) doubted the authenticity of these traveling campus ministers when explaining, “I mean, they both still use ‘hotmail’ email addresses, so how legit can they really be, you know?”

At one point in the afternoon, more than 200 students were discussing the current event in groupme, challenging the perceived notion that Sewanee students don’t participate in “courageous conversations.” Clyde DeMetti (C’19) remarked, “I didn’t know ‘gossips’ were going to hell, so maybe I should uninstall Yik Yak, I absolutely love that app!”

The philosophy and religion department teamed up and pointed out a high of seventeen fallacies promoted by the preachers during the debate.