By Briana Wheeler
We’ve all been there: 11:00 p.m. the night before a paper is due, fresh off a procrastinatory Netflix binge, in front of the computer with a full pot of coffee and no idea where to start. Okay, so maybe Mary Sue Do-Good from class who turned in the paper the day after it was assigned has never been there, but anyone with a healthy social life completely understands the sentiment.
However, if you have enough common sense to read a copy of The Sewanee Purple, then it is not too late for you. Time may be limited, but the internet is limitless.
Orientation, the obligatory initiation into the Sewanee student body, imparts a single message designed to terrify all first years: any student caught with so much as one absent citation faces a semester suspension at minimum. But be not afraid, for I have arranged these tips for you, informed consumer, to avoid detection.
First, search for a paper that adequately covers your subject of choice and use a thesaurus to change the majority of the words. Simple sentences such as, “Every moment is a fresh beginning,” can be transformed into the polished observations of an intellectual, such as, “Each juncture is a neoteric source.”
Next, compile various analyses from websites such as SparkNotes and Shmoop. The key is to use multiple sources. Do not make the rookie mistake of using just one! Besides, professors advise against using these sites so often that they would never assume a student would actually use one, let alone a compilation of them.
If you are concerned about a paper trail, just find a documentary about your thesis and transcribe everything the narrator says while citing the featured experts as sources. Some will argue that this technique demands more time than it would take to simply write the paper yourself. Ignore them.
If time is truly dwindling, consider using essaytyper.com. It merely requires you to input your topic and pretend to type some words, which in turn outputs a beautifully formatted Wikipedia page with a title so provocative your professor may weep tears of joy upon reading it. Example: The Fluidity of Cow: Gender Norms & Racial Bias in a Study of the Modern “Cow.”
Depending on your dedication, you could sift through the mountains of undergraduate papers from students at other universities and turn one in. Then use the time your professor will spend grading your paper to legally change your name to that of the original author. Suspicion averted.
Disclaimer: The author cannot be held accountable for any negative consequences that may occur from the content of this article. Thank You.