The slow WiFi is ruining my life

By Max Saltman
Executive Staff

I’m not one to complain about technology, believe me. I’m a patient guy. I think it’s absolutely amazing that we have any sort of internet at all, so when it takes a little while for my New York Times article to load, or one of my YouTube videos buffers a bit, I don’t get frustrated. I don’t pout, because I’m confident that in time, the video will load, the article will appear on my screen, and all will be well.

But this WiFi? This is asking too much. Listen, everybody has their limits, and mine have been reached. I’m at the end of my rope. Sewanee Secure has interrupted my…schedule…too many times. What schedule you ask? Never mind that. Just know this: I’m pissed. More than that, I’m frustrated.

Seriously, stop asking about the schedule. It isn’t important. I misspoke.

OK, imagine this: You get home from a long day of schoolwork. You wanna unwind, loosen your tie, and watch some, uh, some movies. Alone. In your room. But you can’t! Because when you get on the….website….it won’t load! Even the freaking advertisements are buffering, and you know that that’s sayin’ something.

Specifics aren’t the issue here, man, you should get the gist of what I’m saying just by my, like, tone of voice, ok?

It’s absolutely ridiculous. Even when I try to disconnect the WiFi and rejoin Sewanee Secure, or even join another network like Sewanee Registered or Sewanee Guest, it’s not worth it, because by that point I’ve run out of time. To watch the movie, I mean. It’s a long movie. Which is, uh, why it won’t load.

No, the movie I want isn’t in the library. Besides, it’s unimportant what the movie is, it’s the general principle of the thing, ok?

I’m glad you asked. The general principle is that WiFi, while not a human right, is, uh, integral to….personal matters and when those personal matters are somehow, uh, interfered with, then I’d say it’s definitely one of those situations where we have to ask ourselves: do we want the school involved in our personal lives?

By “personal” I mean, like, we’re people, right? So everything we do is “personal.”

Man, I don’t know why you’re so hung up on the “personal” thing. All I’m trying to say is, there’s stuff that I need to do on the internet that I’m not able to do when the WiFi is all wonky.

Personal stuff.


  1. Douglas, get of the juice… And why don’t you take a swim, buy a shirt with no holes in it, find yourself a beautiful co-ed and take her to dinner.

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