Sewanee Horoscopes

By Julia Harrison
Contributing Writer

Leo
Are you feeling inexplicably drawn to pulling up the deep tracks from Taylor Swift’s Fearless Platinum Edition? Stalking your now-married ex-boyfriend on Facebook and wondering what might have been while you try to suck cheddar popcorn from the bag in forceful inhales?  I hell of support those ideas! Wallow! Get weird! Trust your intuition to find some mostly inoffensive ways to express your self-pity—do not destroy your social relationships doing it. Next month will be better, really.

Aquarius
It’s time for you to switch it up and get really into post-punk or Spaghetti Westerns or fly-fishing or anything interesting. Start smashing things with a mallet you’ve made yourself, zip-line into a lake, bake a pineapple upside-down cake and throw it off of Shapard’s Tower. But it is time to make moves more flashy than mismatched socks or screaming your hot takes on the first floor of the library. Otherwise life is just a wet gray towel and your own sallow flesh is molding in it.

Gemini
Your moon is “full” this month, which means you’ll probably #git it sometime between November 12-26, because like a 15-year-old having a sexual awakening in a damp theater at the premiere of the first Twilight movie, people cannot resist werewolf energy! You can be as cautious about this intimate development as you’d like! It will end up in the slow and certain trickling out of all romances, but we can talk about that after Christmas Break.

Sagittarius
Pls chill

Scorpio
It’s your season, baby! Reflect on and celebrate your personal developments in the last year—you’ve come a long way, dragged yourself to hell and come back. That being said, you’re about one tequila meltdown away from being a felon so maybe avoid Mi Casa or Phi’s hidden hellscapes for your birthday celebration.

Capricorn
You never thought you’d love someone who owns and consistently wears a bucket hat, but here you are. Lean in. Let them guide you into a world of beekeeping, fish fries, and requited love.

Libra
You are doing so well! Don’t ruin the tail end of the semester by risking your heart on some sadsack piece of performatively alternative garbage! Actually, a lot of people like Father John Misty and it is not exceptional that this individual also loved the Joan Didion bio-pic because first of all they are lying about it, and secondly a lot of people did like it. Think more highly of yourself, you deserve to.

Taurus
It is time to reemerge. Your friends miss you. And people have seen you staring blankly into the void while eating your third bagel of the day on the Stirling’s porch. It’s not that bad out here—you can handle it. The first step is admittance.

Pisces
Shake the dust of this ole town off your shoes! Blow dodge! Plan a trip and get the hell out of here! Do not let swirling melancholic circumstance turn you into some grubby lump of calcified regret!

Virgo
You have been working too hard for other people, and you are reaching a point where everyone’s issues of being softly rejected or generally grumpy or their sinking grades are not nearly existential enough to sustain your attention for this long. Before you start to become the Plath of your friend group, make a graceful exit into the woods for a couple of days or take a solo trip to Nashville. Rediscover the pleasure of alone time, where you can listen to full albums of the Spice Girls without any complaint from the backseat, and scarf a Philly cheesesteak in peace.

Cancer
It’s time to commit to something: a career opportunity, a significant other trying to pretend they are happy to be in a loosely defined sexual relationship with you (they are not), your lactose intolerance…take your pick.

Aries
Somehow in your bejeweled gd life Mercury in retrograde is favorable instead of the regular manic, emotionally-obliterating, ritualistic horror it is for everyone else. November will be better for you than it will be for Scorpio, which is sort of unfortunate considering it’s their birthday month, so make sure to be low-key about your successes or you will wake up with a sock in your mouth. In other words, it’s your turn to buy.

Leave a Reply