December Horoscopes

By Julia Harrison
Staff Writer

Sagittarius
That persistent abdominal pain? It’s an ulcer. No militant binge goes unpunished. Treat your new plague as you wish it would treat you: with care, with kindness. Approach the new year with a placated stomach lining and a renewed concern for your emotional health.

Aries
It is time to rediscover Jordin Sparks’ “Battlefield” and let it resonate. You have nearly exhausted yourself running in circles and you are fighting for things not worth fighting for—kind of like when people argue about which pop punk bands are best in 2019 A.D., at which point we should all have figured out pop punk is an oxymoronic and embarrassing genre in its totality.

Pisces
This is a real grab bag of a month for you—there is absolutely no internet consensus about your life this month which I am going to take to mean: do whatever you want.  I recognize that’s a dangerous piece of advice to give the nominal sad sack of the zodiac, notorious for having blind instincts and emo music taste, but I say you end 2019 with a bang. Do something wild.

Taurus
The rekindling of an old romance is coming your way this month i.e. respond to your hometown booty calls over break, they’re headed somewhere good—or where they’re headed is the backseat of a Volvo because your parents are home. Either way: worth it.

Gemini
Okay, finally the stars have decided to rein you in. After three months of terrorizing your friends, family, and acquaintances being a slobbering, flailing, manic pixie menace, it’s time to a) attend class b) stop kissing your friends and c) stop going to BOGO. Study for your finals, keep your head down, and finish out the year strong.

Cancer
La di da!!!! Another great month for you!! It’s all Van Morrison soft jams and balanced breakfasts! Why don’t you share some of your talent for responsible decision-making and calculated pussyfooting with Geminis who can’t stop somersaulting into trash bags full of lava and taking mallets to their hearts! 

Leo
Big mopey month for you as you reflect on 2019, which was sort of like having a hangover for 12 months. This is a good month to make space for thought, for yourself, for the cracking voice of Phil Collins in the cold, empty night air. Get it all out—this coming year will be much better than the last.

Virgo
All the horoscopes I read for you this month were boring—full of words like “methodical” and “realistic,” concerned with plans and staying focused. To me, it sounds like you need to spice it tf up. You are losing your entire personality to clerical work. You should get “boob” tattooed on your neck or kiss someone you meet at The V.

Libra
This month is about “cleansing” for you. Evaluate the kinds of toxicity in your life—emotionally, spiritually, gastrointestinally—and handle them. 2020 is coming up all balance.

Scorpio
I just read a horoscope that called your ovaries “ambitious” this coming month and I just needed to relate that phrasing to you, but that being said: watch yourself, or 2020 may quickly become Not What You Expected. If you don’t have ovaries, I don’t know what to tell you except that maybe your metaphorical(?) ovaries are ambitious this month. Am I allowed to say ovaries this much in a student newspaper?

Capricorn
Yo, even I am still thinking about how weird last month was for you and this is odd because I’m a Gemini so I only spend about 40 seconds of every year thinking about other people. Anyway, whatever the hell went on in the dark last month ended up working for you because things in your love life are about to stabilize! Enjoy this! Your freakiness is working for you!

Aquarius
This is about to be one wild month for you, and one of your horoscopes that I read heavily indicated an enormous multiplication in your sex life so you can ask a Capricorn for tips about that. This sexual success is supposed to lead to a whole new string of exciting developments in your spiritual sector? So here’s to a Peyote-infused holiday! Happy 2020!