I give you permission to cheat on your finals

God telling Max to cheat on his finals.

By God
Contributing Writer
(As told to His prophet, Max Saltman, Executive Staff)

Cheat on your finals. It’s ok. I won’t tell. I mean, who would I tell? The buck stops with me, and I have bigger fish to fry, as you can imagine.

You’re living in a waking nightmare, it’s true. I can see it clearly from up here. While some might encourage you to drag yourself out of your dirty bed to hit the bricks, to use this “valuable time” to get a good handle on what glucose is, or whether the Venerable Bede wrote in Latin or Greek, honestly, forget all that. No one’s looking. Keep the book on your knee while taking your fake test over Google Forms. Cheat on your finals. It’s ok. I give you permission, as Creator of the Universe.

Nothing about this is easy, so why should you all make things harder for yourselves? I know that “honor is an ideal and an obligation,” but c’mon, seriously? Ideally, you would be at school right now, but you aren’t, and the hall monitors can’t write you a citation unless you really screw up. Therefore, I, God, do hereby give you my formal permission to cheat. Go ahead. 

If I recall, I don’t even think I included “don’t cheat” in the Big Ten. Don’t steal is up there, I guess? I’ll let it slide this year. Seriously. 

I mean, just think about it: an Honor Council hearing over Zoom. What a ridiculous thought. And this is coming from me, God, who invented proboscis monkeys. Have you seen those things? Anyways, I’m getting off topic — the point is, I think it’s totally okay to cheat on your finals.   

It’s also fine to study and not cheat, but I hope you know I’m not giving you any extra points. Even if you sacrifice that goat, I’m very flattered, but this is valuable time you could be spending cheating. Your biology exam isn’t a life or death situation, and honestly, none of what you’re doing on Zoom is really that important enough for me to care. But I just want you to know: it’s ok. Cheat. 

Even I cheat sometimes, I’ll admit it! All miracles are basically me helping people cheat. Do you really think I created heaven and earth without looking at my notes? You can tell pretty clearly where I freestyled, and it’s not pretty (hint: Cleveland).

Just do it. Cheat. 

Prophet’s Note: I have made the grave decision to defy heavenly orders and study for my exams, but I urge all of my classmates to heed to the word of the Lord and cheat. Amen. 

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