March Horoscopes

By Derby Carlson
Contributing Writer

These past few weeks, if life decided to pull a fast one on you, Mercury could’ve been to blame. 

That’s right folks, Mercury was in retrograde! How flipping rude.

What does it mean when Mercury is in retrograde? Who flipping knows! I looked it up on Google, and it says that it’s supposed to put a “damper on the  Summer mood…” This might be a shock to most people, but a National Winter Storm occurred just a few days ago… not exactly Summer to me.

Anyway, here’s a horoscope for these trying, No-Longer-Mercury-in-Retrograde times. 

Aries: These next few weeks will feel like spring break to you, Aries. (I’m very jealous considering the fact that we don’t have a spring break anymore. *Sobs Dramatically*) What this means is that you should totally follow these three steps. 

Step One: If you have in-person classes, email your professors and tell them that “you just need some #MeTime” and “will be doing class remotely.” If you are/have remote classes, skip to the second step.

Step Two: Don’t pay attention to class. Go shop online. Play the Sims 4. Shop for your sims in the Sims 4. The world is your oyster to jack around in. (This is especially true if you have The Sims 4.)

Step Three: If you’re starting to worry about your grades… don’t! You’re on a metaphorical spring break. Enjoy it!

Taurus: Taurus, it seems as if you will be having a pretty “eh” month. Like it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but also won’t also be the nearest supervolcano exploding and having all the ash land specifically on you and all your loved ones.  So… here’s a congratulations cake. 

Gemini: While I was staring straight into the Stars™, I saw some… news. (Especially if you have a lover.) Gemini, be aware that the Stars™ are acting like little goblins, and have made you… Well, you see… Golly, how do I say this in a school-sanctioned newspaper… The Wick has lube if you need any.

Cancer:  How do I put this lightly… *Pauses for Dramatic Effect* I have some sad news. This means that your life will be such a huge garbage fire, that you might as well email your professors and say, “Der Prof, I in pain, emotion pain. No in class. Zoom or live. No questions now. C u next month. Much Tears, Cancer.” The professors will understand, trust me.

Leo: I want you to practice in the mirror bursting in the tears. I want the sobs. I want the big, juicy drops dripping down your face. Does this sound dramatic to you? Good. Now, whenever you walk up to someone, burst into tears and say, “No–” take a deep breath, “Spring Break.” Ruin away into the Domain.

Virgo: When I was looking into the Stars™, they told me a long complex simile to explain how this month will go for you, Virgo.

Once Upon A Time, a young fox was getting ready to head out. It was March and it was kind of cold and kind of not. (Climate change, you know.) Anyway, so the fox thought to themselves, “Oh, I am just going to wear my fox fur because I am a fox.” So, they stepped outside, expecting either snow, rain, or sun. But — here’s where the metaphor is, so pay attention — as if the sun decided to poop on the earth, they walked out to flames. There were some clear patches, and there were some not clear patches. How that works, don’t ask me. This is going to be your life for the next month, Virgo.

Libra: Libra = Laws during the normal, Mercury-is-not-in-flipping-Retrograde part of the year. Sadly, during March, Mercury will not be in Retrograde. But, we all need to grow and pull those twigs out of our butts. So, what this means is that you should pay no attention to the Honor Code. You have free reign during this time, baby. Lie, Cheat and Steal away baby. Maybe go give something that you’ve stolen to a Cancer or a Virgo… they’ll need it.

Scorpio: Your life has probably been pretty amazing during these past wacky weeks. (Mercury being in Retrograde had to help someone, I guess.) I advise that you look ahead so you don’t face plant into a pot of embarrassment when March arrives. Surely, there’s an alternate route somewhere. If not, bellyflop in! Kowabunga, dude!

Sagittarius: Your life is on the up, Sagittarius, but you have to help fate along. The first step is for you to finally accept that people will always and forever call you Saggy-Titties. Just as the Goddess Kelly Clarkson once said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Capricorn: Stop being a homiephobe, and kiss your friend goodnight. Blame your sudden ability to show feelings on Mercury no longer being in retrograde. That bastard.

Aquarius: Whoopty Doo. You are having a good month. It’s gonna be such a good month that I can’t even make a joke about it. (But, April? Just you wait. I bet that you will want that the nearest 10-foot bunny rabbit to swallow you whole.)

Pisces: I looked up at the Stars™ and squinted. A giant fish entirely made out of stars was floating around in the sky. It looked like it was in complete-and-utter bliss. It was wiggling its butt like it was a little puppy. (But, it also could’ve been just trying to swim because it is a fish.) How this relates to you… well… you are fish?