Aries: Unbeknownst to you, your roommate awakens at 3:00 a.m. each morning and plucks a singular strand of your hair from your scalp, which they then sew onto a childhood doll-turned replica of you, stowed in a shoebox beneath their bed.
Taurus: Due to your increasingly poor memory capacity, you will forget to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, (despite this reminder.) An Irish extremist will come up to you when you least expect it and pinch you with such force and aggression that the holiday itself will permanently carry the weight of your fear and is never to be enjoyed again.
Gemini: They say March “comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb” but you are entering this month profoundly timid and herd following, soon to be transformed into a violent and dominant animal at the top of the food chain by an unexpected chain of events.
Cancer: You are completely unaware of the fact that a simple, seemingly inconsequential daily habit of yours is the sole culprit behind many of your worst problems. This month you should probably take a closer look at the unexamined parts of your routine.
Leo: An expensive industrial appliance that you have been longing for for years will enter your possession, and you will realize you preferred the ruggedness of the life you had before.
Virgo: A professor whom you have felt lukewarm about for the semester thus far, will slowly but surely begin to intrigue you this month. Your intrigue will quickly spiral into full-blown psychological obsession, and come the last day of class, saying goodbye to them will be the hardest thing you will ever do. However, you will continue to stalk them both online and in-person to the best of your ability for years afterwards.
Libra: Over Spring break you will discover a long-withheld family secret in the pages of your mothers old journal, one that involves a garden rake and a pair of children’s shoes, and it will horrify you beyond compare.
Scorpio: You will encounter a small prophetic mouse in a knit hat in 11 days, 9 hours, and 32 minutes.
Sagittarius: Your taste in music is far more obscure than you realize, and you are judged harshly by others who believe you have intentionally doctored your playlists to curate a smug, nonconformist persona. In reality, you are just authentically cool.
Capricorn: Consume a loaf of raw Pumpernickel bread as soon as possible.
Aquarius: On this day in five years you will be atop a mule, nervously giving Matt Damon and his family a mule tour of the grand canyon, when Matt Damon’s daughter’s pregnant mule will suddenly go into labor.
Pisces: Dabble in the underrated religion of Jainism.