Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There is no time like the present to join a sports team… actually, you should have joined it like a month ago. Stop procrastinating!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your paranoia is justified… they are watching you. They see the stack of plates you have when you walk to the dish line in McClurg.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are going to try to run to the cross this week, but you will inevitably become winded and have to slowly saunter back to campus in defeat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will come across a squirrel eating some McClurg pizza and befriend it. Then you will raise it as your own and it will become your minion.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You enjoy your friends and having their company, but you aren’t great at showing it… this week you will make dinner for them as a sign of your gratitude. Make sure not to give them food poisoning!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Oh no! At some point in the next week, you are going to wake up late and forget your pants… take it in stride, don’t be embarrassed; it might make you a trendsetter!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your roommate or friend will ask for locks of your hair this week… you will give it to them and next time you see them your hair will be pinned to their wall for safe keeping.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The person who went into the communal shower before you had a rancid case of athlete’s foot… good luck this week!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
On your way to Fowler this week you will fall asleep on your bike. This will cause you to fall off while in the middle of the road, causing a five-minute traffic jam on university avenue.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
So sorry, but the only thing you’re winning this week is a round of rock, paper, scissors.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will be wandering to the library this week when suddenly, a pack of cross-country runners run by you and start barking… don’t be scared, just bark back!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will get an idea for a new business model this week. It will be washing others laundry for cash. Work hard… be your own boss!