Halloween Horrorscopes

Anna Cook   
Features Editor

Aries: Everyone knows the urban “myth” that we unknowingly swallow an average of four live spiders in our sleep per year, but you my friend, are located on the far outskirts of this distribution, swallowing up to 12. Don’t brush your teeth much, eh? Spiders are drawn to food, and your mouth is chalk-full of neglected food scraps and particles, smeared all over your teeth and gums. Spiders everywhere within your 20 mile radius are racing to get a nibble once you doze off each night. Alas, many slip into your gaping mouth hole, tumbling downward towards their acidic demise. 

Taurus: When you were carving your decorative Halloween pumpkin yesterday, something didn’t feel right. As you sawed vigorously into the orange, porous, tender flesh, a nervous guilt hovered in your stomach. “Can plants feel pain?” you wondered to yourself in quiet horror, which was quickly followed by the question: “When did I become such a wimpy loser?” You carved on, stabbing, slashing and chiseling away your disturbedness. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that your pumpkin was indeed a reincarnation of the great Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

Gemini: On Halloween night when the clock strikes twelve you will sleepwalk your way into the heart of the Sewanee woods. There, you will be awakened when you walk straight into the side of a mysterious wooden cabin. Disgruntled and frightened, you will turn to run away, when the door will creak open and reveal a man wearing nothing but a pillow case with arm holes and empty skin where eyes should be. His mouth will form a wide grin, and he will unfurl his arms to reveal he is clutching a Pear of Anguish. 

Cancer: The boogeyman will give you cancer because you’re a cancer (on society). 

Leo: Do not attend that Fitwell yoga class unless you want to witness a bloody scene. The yoga teacher is not who you think. She will lull you into a false feeling of safely, comfort, and chakra alignment, and then, right in the midst of your reverse warrior pose, she will slit someone’s neck with her horoscope keychain switchblade, tucked in the pocket of her patchouli-scented capri leggings. 

Virgo: Don’t worry about a thing! You are going to be fine. You’re pretty darn cool! If I were you, I’d just keep on being swell.

Libra: Ummm uhhh you’re not seriously dressing up as a cat, bee, angel, devil, or ghost right? You don’t seriously think that’s okay right? If you don’t have a cool costume on hand, please for the love of god think of something low-effort and original like concert goer, mathematician, cow milker, monk, or bus driver. 

Scorpio: As the leaves are changing, so are you. Have you noticed an increased interest in garbage? Black circles forming around your eyes? An aversion to the day and a love of the night? The urge to scurry around on all fours? Do you ever find yourself longing to dive in a dumpster full of other peoples’ rotting leftovers? Yes my friend, you are turning into a raccoon. This transition is inevitable so you can either embrace it—revel in the freedom that comes with being a trash-loving pest— or live a life of misery, forever exiled to the outskirts of society. The choice is yours… (Written by K.C.) 

Sagittarius: You are deeply attracted to that one guy who carries a speaker around everywhere, mainly blaring conscious rap. He tends to do so directly outside of Gailor on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. You’ve never mentioned this attraction to anyone, but c’mon, you know it exists. 

Capricorn: Be honest for once, you hate the new Taylor Swift album. Everyone around you is exclaiming “It’s her most vulnerable project yet!” and “This album will get me through the hardest times in my life!” and “She’s the defining songwriting genius of our generation!” and stuff, but you think it’s awfully corny. Come clean; you think every song sounds pretty much the same (like it’s made for background noise in Forever 21), and that lines such as “Don’t put mе in the basement /Whеn I want the penthouse of your heart.” are nothing to write home about. Get it off your chest, the song “featuring” Lana Del Rey does not, in fact, feature Lana Del Rey, and this is maddening. Yeah, you’ll probably be socially ostracized by the majority of your female friends, but the alternative is having to listen to these songs and say they’re good.

Aquarius: Lay off the apple cider!

Pisces: I actually love you.