Obscenities are used.
Sewanee: a quaint, charming little town where everyone knows your name, or at least your dog’s. You’d think that small-town familiarity would translate into politeness and goodwill, right? Wrong. If you’ve ever worked a shift in the Sewanee service industry, you know the truth: not all that glitters is customer gold. Here are some gems we’ve collected from the front lines, where “Be Nice or Leave” feels less like a suggestion and more like a survival tactic.
Scene 1: The Hangry Tornado
In strolls a customer, eyes blazing, tone set to attack. She spots a little boy playing in the corner and then barrels toward the counter.
“I want a fucking B.A.L.T, NOW!” she barks.
The cashier blinks, startled.
“Oh sorry,” the woman smirks, eyeing the child. “I forgot there was a kid here.”
Charming.
Scene 2: The Telephone Tango
Ring ring ring, the cashier answers, bracing for impact.
“I’d like to place an order.”
“Of course! What can I get you?”
Amid the clatter of pans and chatter, the cashier repeats the order back, just to be sure.
The customer scoffs. “Oh WOW, let’s do this whole thing over since YOU clearly don’t understand!”
Ah yes, because nothing screams clarity like condescension.
Scene 3: Food for Thought (and for Theft)
Innocently, someone grabs the wrong order. The manager swoops in, apologizes profusely, and remakes the food.
Simple fix, right? Not so fast.
“So THIS is how you run your establishment? People just take whatever they want?”
The customer sneers. And to prove her point, she snatches a random order from the counter– this time to eat it herself.
Justice served… apparently.
Scene 4: The Weekly Woe
There’s a regular who waltzes in weekly, always ordering the same sandwich, always finding fault with it.
“This sandwich is soggy. Every. Single. Week,” she snarls, making an employee cry with her relentless complaints.
Moments later, she snaps at another worker about the low ranch dressing. The employee scurries to refill it.
“Well,” she huffs, grabbing her purse. “It’s too late, I’m leaving now!”
The ranch container and the employee breathe a sigh of relief.
Scene 5: Dumpling Drama
A customer, eyes filled with suspicion, orders chicken and dumplings. After eating in silence, she approaches the counter, looking far too serious.
“Y’all peed and pooped in the dumplings,” she declares. “We’re taking them to the lab for testing.”
The entire staff stands frozen, jaws dropped. A silence so thick you could cut it with a dumpling spoon fills the room.
No one knows what to say; because really, what can you say?
Think you’ve got stories that can top these? We’d love to hear them. Send your tales to spurple@sewanee.edu, and let’s all aim to do better out there.