by Conner Anderson
The effrontery of Richie Incognito, currently the US’s number one domestic terrorist, just reached unimaginable heights. According to several valuable sources, Mr. Incognito — who’s currently advertising a new mosquito repellant aptly titled “You No F**** With Richie” — bombarded the Commander and Chief with not only abusive language, but several violent ‘box outs’ in a recent charity basketball game (whereabouts unknown).
Reports reveal that Obama set up the game not only to fundraise for underprivileged youths, but also to show America that his skill set extended outside the realm of health care. In a putative statement to the event’s media, Obama said, “Wow fellas. Basketball truly is my favorite sport. I love the way they dribble . . .” Unfortunately, Obama’s statement was cut short by Mr. Incognito whose appearance frightened Obama more than “those gosh darn Al Qaeda fellas.”
Riding in on the shoulders — piggy back style, of course — of Jonathan Martin, Incognito quickly dismounted and engaged in a long diatribe concerning the mixture of colors on the basketball court. Upon meeting Incognito, Obama’s hand went limp from intimidation, dead-fish style. The (former?) Dolphin’s lineman, whose self esteem obviously flies well above average levels, immediately took this gesture as a joke against his rather rotund figure. Unwittingly, Obama had set his own fate: he was about to be Incognitoed.
The tip off of the match featured the event’s two most publicized figures, the NFL mammoth and the chief commander — resulted in a jarring mid-air punch to Obama’s abdomen. Between Incognito’s demands for more Redbulls and Krispy Kreme Donuts, as well as louder Metallica, from Jonathan Martin, his abuse towards the president comments like, “Bush’s strategory was far better than yours” and, “You have less tribal tats than me.” These comments,along with extensive physical abuse ‘in tha paint,’ led Obama to end the fundraiser.
Appearing before the youngsters, in his last moments before leaving, Obama proclaimed, “As a skinny man living on the fringe of two demographics in this western country, I have often been the subject of much bullying. My ascension to presidency sought to overcome this pesky magnetic attraction that I have for oppression. Unfortunately, young folks, the dilemma of bullying cannot be beaten, not even by the president. Good day, and remember, no matter what you accomplish, you’ll never escape.”
Wow, those are some moving words from the Commander in Chief himself. If these reports are true, everyone must remember one thing: with Incognito on the loose, nobody is safe.