The Sewanee Pink Eye Epidemic of 2014

Graphic by Mary Morrisonby Katie Kenerly
Executive Staff

If you were to ask anyone who works in the University Health Services what Sewanee’s newest fad was, they would probably respond, “Farting on each other’s pillows.” Since the New Year, Health Services has treated over a hundred cases of pink eye and the number continues to climb each and every day. The situation is so dire that UCS once ran out of the curative eye drops. “Drive to CVS?” asks the disgruntled frat boy with puffy eyes. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Ew, don’t touch me!” is quickly becoming the most uttered phrase on campus as more and more students fall victim to the Sewanee Pink Eye Epidemic of 2014. While Conjunctivitis, or Pink Eye, is more often than not contracted from viral or bacterial infections or contact with someone who already has it, many believe that it can also be transferred through flatulence on or near someone’s face. Whatever the cause may be, doctors advise washing your hands and avoiding contact with anyone affected. Some, however, disagree. Laura Brock (C’16) is one of those people.

“I live in a house with eleven other girls, seven of whom have already fallen victim to the Pink Eye Epidemic,” says Brock. “I thought I was for sure going to get it due to the fact that I have been having severe eye problems in my left eye since a bug flew into it on August 18, 2010. I now realize that the key to avoiding Pink Eye is not washing your hands. The creators of the curing eye drops have brainwashed you into thinking that washing your hands will combat Pink Eye in order to fulfill their capitalistic dreams. Stay dirty and stay Pink Eye-free.”

With compelling evidence on both sides, it is hard to decide who to believe. Whether or not you wash your hands is none of my business, I just don’t want you touching me or my face when you have Pink Eye. Just be careful out there, you guys. Pink Eye is no joke.

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