by David Provost
Staff Writer
For over a century the University of the South has maintained a harmonious balance between students achieving academic success and a student body that is encouraged to reach new heights in both primary and secondary extracurricular activities. Being home to several-hundred of the brightest minds on Earth, Sewanee fares very well against other liberal arts colleges worthy of our competition. We have transcended scholarly achievements in the realm of beer pong championship titles, that are here to stay. The ‘Sewanee Super Binge’ is just another example of a monumental record set by higher education’s finest.
What’s the fuss about then, you say? What is the impetus for this opinionated piece boasting in the school’s global success? The fact of the matter is; Sewanee isn’t as smart as she needs to be. There, I said it! Listen up, Franklin County dwellers. Our test score-rankings have been steadily dropping. Now, I know it doesn’t appear so— with your high GPA in that World Politics class you accidentally registered for. Or the tenacity of that junior down the hall that can crank out an essay while simultaneously chugging Everclear better than any chump at Yale ever could. At this very moment we have one last chance to stop playing games in an effort to keep Sewanee from falling out of grace. What game(s) specifically? STOP PLAYING SUPER SMASH BROS. That’s right. All our grade-related issues can be linked to the humbly-grown, family-friendly marinated, nerdily-fostered video conglomerate that is The Nintendo Company®. Mhm, Nintendo is making Sewanee students dumber.
The culprit at hand (Nintendo) recently released their fourth installment of (Nintendo) of their successful franchise (Nintendo), Super Smash Bros. 3DS. (Nintendo). Super Smash Bros. is a fighting-style arena game in which a player will select a Nintendo owned or associated character and pit them against other characters in an array of stages. From there they proceed to beat the ever-living hell out of each other (the only upside to this debacle is the fact violence on Sewanee’s campus has decreased significantly. So I guess it’s a pretty good anger-management strategy or whatever).Fans of the game argue that it is O.K. Smash “might” be the cause of the grade-dip. One defender of the portable game mentioned the profundity of an Italian plumber fighting against socio-economic norms to team up with an ape with a troubled past who just wants to jam on the bongos. Or murder each other, either/or. Less than two weeks ago, it was reported that a sophomore turned in his History midterm exam without a single answer written on it! He insisted that Smash had already made his thumbs more sore that any multitude of handwritten answers to discussion-based questions about the Navaho could ever have.
The undeniable negative truths about Smash at Sewanee? Instead of pumping iron at Fowler or stretching one’s brain reading School of Theology texts, Sewanee Smashers believe they already receive plenty of exercise, living vicariously through these lethal mascots using so-called “power-up items.” It’s only a matter of time before a Yoshi’s Island addict slips some unidentifiable mushroom product into the Vegan Line to share their, “sick nasty power.’ The violent fantasy escapism of the game also appears to be affecting students socially here at the University. Did you hear that one guy who kept shouting, “falcon punch!!” during the Founder’s Day Ceremony in the back? ‘Cause I totally heard it. I had the opportunity to sit down with Sewanee Junior, Huntre Woolwine, to discuss how Super Smash Bros. has affected his life at Sewanee this past month. When asked about what keeps him captivated he responded with, “There was a time when I wasted all of my time staring a TV and clunky [Gamecube]. Now I can waste all of my time on the toilet.” Surely, no resident of Sewanee, whether student or faculty, can continue to ignore this plight Nintendo has brought upon us. The solution? I’ll leave this up to you, valued reader. My solution? Smash the Smash. (Break their expensive toys so they’ll read more, YSR).