Politics: It’s all Greek to me

By Page Forrest

Managing Editor

Deciding whom you want to support in politics can be tricky. After all, who has the time to do research on policy issues or a candidate’s stances? Even picking based on party is a bore. After all, polarized partisanship is so 2015. Thankfully, many of our prominent political figures today have given us another shortcut that we already use to judge people: Greek affiliation.

For the sake of brevity, I’ll only reference relatively current politicians who are noteworthy in some way. Sure, the 17th Vice President of the United States may have been a Beta. But can any of us even remember the name of our 17th Vice President? Probably not, but for you more diligent Beta pledges, it’s Schuyler Colfax.

Within each fraternity, there seems to be mixed opinions about their glorious alumni. Delta Tau Delta, for instance, can lay claim to current Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Governor of Texas Greg Abbott. Peter Lampley (C’16) struggles to describe his disgust for Ryan, caught between the mixed metaphors of “it’s worse than being brothers with a ravening leopard” and “it’s like living with an infectious disease.” On the other hand, Ky Anderson (C’18) praises Ryan for his ability to keep order over unruly situations. “With [Paul Ryan] being both Speaker and a Delt, let’s just say it’s not the first time he’s been in a house full of idiots.” Luke Peglau (C’17) attempted to stick up for Abbott in his Constitutional Law class when the governor became a subject of mockery for his attempts to introduce nine new amendments to the constitution, including one that would effectively abolish judicial review. The defense was not that impassioned, however, amounting to the gist of “He’s not that bad.”

DKE must initiate a lot of natural born baby-kissers and schmoozers, because six of our past presidents, as well as four vice presidents, have been members of the fraternity. Most recently, President George W. Bush represented the fraternity on the national stage. It’s easy to see what the two have in common. Both Bush and members of DKE have a penchant for football and leaving things unfinished– whether it’s a “porch” addition to the frat house or a war in the Middle East.

Lambda Chi is more than proud to have Ron Paul as a member. Of course, which college student wouldn’t be pleased about a former presidential candidate whose default platform is “legalize everything?”

Last, but certainly not least (although second in Iowa), Donald Trump is a member of Fiji. Simon Boes (C’18) remarks, “The man’s hair itself questions his legitimacy of initiation of our sacred brotherhood. Absolutely disgraceful.” However, not even Boes’ displeasure will be enough to keep Trump away from Sewanee. As Robert Beeland (C’18) explains “Yeah, he’s coming for Spring Party. Y’all didn’t know? We’ve got some PBR saved for him. Does he like PBR?” Don’t worry, Beeland. If Trump is anything like his Fiji cohorts here at Sewanee, I’m sure he likes cheap beer.