Goat-smoking in McClurg may predict the length of 2016 Election

By Vanessa Moss

Executive Staff

A selection of nine goats from the University Farm will be sent to a processing facility on election day, a serendipitous event that I can only interpret as a sacrifice to the political gods, then promptly sold to McClurg for students to enjoy. On that fateful day, students and faculty may sit in the quad as if it were the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square, and watch to see whether anguish or relief will settle over the University and the nation.

After months of waiting for November 8 to come and pass, waiting for succulent grass-fed, organic goat meat to chow down on, and waiting for this god-forsaken election to be over, we are merely days away.

When Chef Rick gives the final call, the goats will be exquisitely cooked for all of the student body to share. The smoke rising from McClurg that day may very well decide the length of this election.

After the College of Cardinals have assembled to vote on who will become the next Pope, they send up a signal to the people watching in St. Peter’s Square: They burn their ballots, creating a white smoke if the new head of the Roman Catholic Church has been chosen, but they send up a dark grey smoke signal if the votes were inconclusive.

As a community, let us ignore each other’s political stances and smell delicious meat for a few moments, just to peacefully watch this smoke rise.

If the smoke rises white, we know the past 19 months of watching this race unravel have finally come to a close. But if the smoke that rises is a dark grey, it would seem that the electoral powers-that-be have cursed us with another 30 days of political drama and tearing our hair out over who will lead this country for the next four years.