Alcohol-Wise: so effective, it sets records

By Luke Williamson

Executive Staff

On October 25, 2017, every first-Year Sewanee Student received an email mandating their completion of the two combined online programs, “Alcohol-Wise” and “Consent and Respect.”


The convenient two-hour long program was completed by every single first year student at Sewanee in a matter of days, months sooner than expected. It was so popular that first year students encouraged upperclassmen to indulge in the engaging online program, too, and many did.


The program was so effective that every fraternity and sorority house on campus spontaneously decided to instate new alcohol-free rules for their future parties, and many students lined up to voluntarily relinquish their personal alcohol and drug collections to school officials.


The unexpected total success of the Alcohol-Wise program made national news, as major outlets like CNN and ABC published articles: Top 10 Party School in Nation now 742, or Sewanee Students flip from Drunk to Dry in Just One Week.


Many Students commented on how thankful they were that it was so short, like John Dale (C’21), who said “Yeah, I really loved how short it was. The two-hour long module was a nice break to my stress filled day.” Dale chuckled to himself and continued, “I had a shit-ton of work to do, but I didn’t mind!”


Another student, Mary Sue (C’21), noticed how the module was completely different from the alcohol and consent seminars during orientation. “I was just so glad that Alcohol-Wise wasn’t redundant at all! During orientation we learned about alcohol and consent, but Alcohol-Wise taught me about alcohol and consent in a totally refreshing way.”


One student, Duke Crawford (C’21), said it was especially impactful for him, despite his already deep-seated disdain for alcohol. He commented that “Honestly, as someone who has never, and will never, drink in my life, I loved the online courses. They were so informational and really relevant to my life. I’m so happy it was mandatory for all students who, like me, rarely drink.”


Sewanee officials purportedly plan to assign this online program to future students indefinitely, and are hopeful that Sewanee will remain the 742nd biggest party school in the nation for years to come.