Lake Trez draining uncovers mysteries


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By Simon Boes

Executive Staff

Sources confirmed that the affectionately dubbed “Lake Trez” will undergo a strenuous draining and refilling process in the summer of 2018. Rumors have circulated around Lake Trez’s mysterious atmosphere for decades.

Allegedly, $500,000 of the “Stronger Truer Sewanee” campaign is devoted to this endeavour, including extensive draining and removal of trash, supernatural excavation, restocking with eight hundred trout, and a clean-water pool. The Sportsmen’s Club, a key lobbyer of this change, is donating $320 from their latest fundraiser, Shotguns for Sheriffs.

Students are both supportive and disconcerted about the recent development. Lazlo Morphine (C’18) explained his theory his own theory: “I believe there is a military-grade magnet under Lake Trez that attracts so many bikes to the subterranean landscape.”

Morphine is one of the only students that supports this theory, while Chelsea Paragon (C’20) elaborated, “I wish the Chi Psi fraternity would stop stealing my bike and then throwing it in Lake Trez to hide the evidence.” Paragon continued, “It takes forever to walk from Gorgas to Gailor — can we get a zipline?”

The administration has not acknowledged in advance the construction discrepancies. Several students looking forward to summer school at Sewanee, thoughtfully called “Camp Sewanee,” are perturbed construction noise may reach duPont.

Ronaldo Carlyle (C’19) mentioned, “I’m planning on being in duPont from 10 a.m. until 1 p.m, when the library closes in the summer. These three econ problems aren’t going to finish themselves!”

“I’m hoping Wednesday afternoon sloshball is considered a physical education credit, I always fall asleep during pilates,” said Clyde Hendrix (C’19).

The freshly drained lake will offer waterfront activities including kayaking, fishing, a new cafeteria, and much more.