English majors on campus over break do nothing extraordinary

Gailor Hall. Photo by Luke Williamson (C’21).

By Simon Boes

Staff Writer

Reports confirmed senior English majors drew straws to determine who would stay on campus over spring break and finish the extensive study guide for the comprehensive exam. The responsibility fell on the shoulders of three: Reina Mildress (C’18), Joseph Lavis (C’18), and Sebastian Alexander (C’18).

Peers of the English majors reportedly tried to comfort Mildress, Lavis, and Alexander with thoughtful words. Topher Lee (C’18) said to The Purple, “I told Joseph that while I was getting sunburnt in Florida, it was a much better decision for him to stay here – Joe and his English buddies have free reign of the library – that’s their dream, right?”

When questioned about Topher’s words, Lavis responded enthusiastically, “Yeah! I’d rather be scrutinizing Emily Brontë than surfing with Jennifer Lawrence in Florida!” The trio then decided to delete all forms of social media to focus on their task at hand.

Video evidence captured a brief argument that erupted after a debate over the literary term “synecdoche.” However, Alexander explained it was “quelled after an elongated and calming reading of Dracula.”

Furthermore, Alexander elaborated, “Our diet of beef ramen, microwaved burritos, and 2,000 pages of reading every day has created tension.” As a result, there was a dedicated audiobook listening session of Dante’s Inferno to get their mind off the poor nourishment.

Sources confirmed a flurry of GroupMe messages hit the English major group chat from Mildress, Lavis, and Alexander stating they had completed their quest. A structurally sound guide to English literature, from the tricky Renaissance to Post-Modernist writers, hit the printers from Georgia to South Carolina.

Much to the chagrin of the three chosen ones, they forgot medieval aspects on the guide and had to walk back from Shenanigans BOGO to the ATC for another long night, this time examining Sara Ruhl’s Passion Play.