By Reece Jamison
As the academic year comes to a close and the campus readies itself to remember and wish our soon-to-be graduates into adulthood, there always comes the task of selecting the baccalaureate speaker who will bestow upon the graduates wise words of advice regarding their transition. This year, the University of the South has decided to elect recent news sensation Stephanie A. Gregory Clifford (also known as, Stormy Daniels).
The Purple reached out to Ms. Clifford for comment and received a response from her agent who had this to say: “Ms. Clifford will be delighted to speak. Considering her career as a coveted actor, writer, and director as well as her intimate friendships with many Sewanee gentlemen, she will be a perfect candidate to spank the graduates with her knowledge of the industry which matters the most to Americans. Thank you.”
The decision came at the heels of a heated debate by the honorary degree committee, sources report. The conflict was brought about because of the suspected list of potential speakers, which includes Black Panther actor Chadwick Boseman, former president Bill Clinton, Cleveland Cavaliers small forward Lebron James, and renowned television personality of the nineties Bill Nye the “Science Guy.”
A member of the committee reported to The Purple that the method of selecting the speaker was one of elimination as members debated back and forth in a gauntlet style vetting process and voted afterwords, moving candidates that acquired a majority vote to the next round.
Sources report that the deliberation over the prospective speaker took more than six hours and required many bathroom breaks as the committee was drinking, “copious amounts of unknown liquid from glass bottles.” Throughout the process, shouting matches carried on in the smoke-filled room, almost resulting in a fist-fight between two of the members at one point.
The final decision for Ms. Clifford came at the behest of the committee heads in order to restore peace after a final brawl in which several gowns were ripped, hair was disheveled, and blood was drawn.
Vice-Chancellor John McCardell, after catching wind of the long and controversial process, had this to say: “I am very glad that this revered group of highly diverse and intelligent individuals were able to come to a conclusion over the speaker. The recent Charlie Rose controversy was a situation in which the Committee brought upon itself an unnecessary amount of criticism. I hope this recent decision will help alleviate tension and restore this campus’ faith in this board as a competent and responsible group.”