Dear Grandma: no, I am not a communist yet

opinionsBy Jackson Harwell
Contributing Writer

To my grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles, Corona-fueled cousins, distant-but-still-closely-enough-related-to-be-embarrassing relatives, and certain alt-right magnates:

To answer your questions, yes, my first few weeks of college have been great. And, no, I am not a communist yet; however, I appreciate your concern. Rest assured, I am still the same baby-faced kid I was when I left, and I don’t see any radical leftist revolutions in my near future.

I actually find myself rather relaxed here at Sewanee. College is slightly different than the ideological warzone you all described it to be, and, I must admit, this somewhat disappoints me. After all, each of you spoke with such authority on the subject of intolerant-collegiate-leftism that I couldn’t help but to accept – nay, expect – the things you told me about college to be true.

But, despite what you all prepared me for, my time as a university student has been (up to this point) rather uneventful. Below I have prepared a quick summation of my discoveries about Sewanee, as well as some general observations.

Strangely, I have yet to be accosted for being a white male; that doesn’t seem to be anyone’s priority. Equally as perplexing, Sewanee has little to no hordes of bat-wielding anarchists. I can also confirm that the Women’s Center here on campus is NOT in fact an abortion clinic. Nobody has been beaten up for wearing a “MAGA” hat on campus, and we aren’t required to kneel during the national anthem.

I haven’t been forced to say the phrase “God is dead” in any of my classes. Sewanee doesn’t have any “feminazi clubs” (as some of you so delicately described), and my roommate does not ask I call him “comrade.”

Additionally, the water here does not make frogs gay, and, at least to the extent of my knowledge, there are no Clintonite lizard-people currently residing on Sewanee’s campus. (Again, that one I can’t know for sure.)

While I understand that this glimpse into life at Sewanee may leave some of you questioning your concepts of academia, I want to encourage you to resist this thinking; I trust that Sewanee is just as radically liberal as you all say it is. When I come across my first evidence of this fact, you bunch will be the first to know.