Well, Since You Asked: An Advice Column

Dear Briana,

Where should I look when I’m drinking from the water fountain? I’m constantly shifting my eyes from one place to another.

Thirsty and Uncomfortable

Dear Thirsty,

Personally, I empathize with your concern. Nothing is worse than accidentally making uncomfortable eye contact with someone walking towards you while slurping loudly from a fountain. Luckily, you have several options; the main thing you have to do is find a single spot to focus your attention. If you keep your head turned to the right while drinking, I suggest either looking directly at the spout or gazing off into the distance at a specific object, preferably above or below passerbys’ eye level. If you tend to lean directly over the fountain, simply entertain yourself by watching the water spiral down into the drain and adjusting your water-fountain-drinking form to achieve different effects each time.

Never hesitate to quench your thirst,

Dear Briana,

My question is about something… personal. So, I have been having frequent issues in the bathroom, and I can’t tell if it is Clurg or my roommate is trying to poison me. What should I do?

From the toilet and beyond,
Low on TP

Dear TP,

As someone who adores McClurg, I’m tempted to assume that your roommate is trying to poison you. However, statistically speaking, I highly doubt this is the case. Here are some alternative causes for your digestive troubles you might benefit from looking into before you rush to any rash conclusions: long-term or intense stress, lack of sleep, spicy food or spices your stomach has not adjusted to, overeating, medication side-effect, a sudden influx of high fiber foods into your diet, dehydration, heavy alcohol use, a general virus such as the stomach flu, the recent development of a glucose/lactose intolerance, someone other than your roommate trying to poison you, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), pregnancy. If symptoms continue or worsen, please seek professional medical resources beyond the school newspaper advice column.

Hoping it resolves itself,