November Horoscopes: Mercury is in retrograde

By Julia Harrison
Contributing Writer

I don’t know if you have read a little book by Steinbeck called “The Winter of Our Discontent,” but boy are you about to start living it! Some domestic drama has been building itself up like number one plastics in the Pacific trash vortex, and you have just about hit your breaking point! You can’t be the easygoing one all the time and Mercury is in retrograde or whatever so I say use this opportunity to overreact to something. Do not take it out on a Stirling’s employee who forgot to put the bacon on your sunrise sandwich. It’s all chaos back there all the time.

It’s sort of my job to tell you the truth, so I will put this as lightly as I can: you have been extremely volatile this month. You’ve had about 8 nearly manic crises a day for the past two weeks and need to sort some stuff out. It is time to invest in a diffuser and CBD oil. My best advice for generally diffusing rage: a really fat sandwich.

You’re busy, you are skipping class, you can’t get people to cover your shifts! But you are also the only one getting laid this month! Again! And unsurprisingly your coy GD attitude has you outdoing Cancers i.e. people with better personalities than you. Enjoy it, but keep in mind that the rest of your friends are spending their Friday nights falling asleep on their leftover Pub while they watch Big Mouth, so it would be nice if you would keep your flirty successes to yourself.

So you spent the last two Friday nights falling asleep on your leftover Pub and watching Big Mouth. I’ll be honest this month was not great for you—a lot of your expectations were not met. But your chin pimples are not as visible as you think they are and you are much more loved than you believe yourself to be lately. Unrelated but pretty related, I will also advise that you do not hook up with someone you feel platonically about because you are feeling sad and/or needy.

You are waist-deep in desired attention right now, as per usual. The stars encourage you to remain non-committal in this sexy period of time, though you will feel somehow tempted to behave otherwise, despite that being antithetical to all of your other traits. Trust your gut, take it slow, do not drunk text.

The astrological websites I steal this information from literally all just said you were sleepy? So apparently that’s your horoscope for the month. If you’re going to hibernate, November is a great month to do it, since it basically just feels like sitting naked in a cold basin of tears and having someone throw a raw turkey into your lap anyway.

How does it feel to be loved?! Great!

I told you this month would rip! Recompense for your shady October! I hope you are enjoying your new friends and apparently all the money you are making this month, although I don’t believe astrology has any idea what it’s talking about financially. So I’m not promising any particular affluence coming your way more than finding a quarter on the ground outside McClurg. If you do happen to be rolling in it this month, please tip Brian at the Inn appropriately because I am very concerned people aren’t doing that.

Yooooo apparently you are “turned on” by “secrets and mystery” this month u freak! Booty call your entire Dungeons & Dragons group and absolutely do not fill me in on any of those details!

First of all, stop buying things, you don’t have any money. Secondly, this is a great month for making plans—travel plans, career plans, romantic plans. Have some heavy conversations this month, you can handle them. Don’t have them in the chapter room of SNU like you are always trying to do.

You went too hard too fast this month, and you have left a sad, broken, string of hearts and slobber behind you. You have picked an absolutely wild time to be so disastrously unhinged because Mercury is in retrograde, so everybody is pretty much f&*@ed up already and you are exacerbating the issue. Could you please spend more time biting your nails until your cuticles bleed and feeling guilty about everything like the rest of us! And less time crushing the romantic, aesthetic hopes of the softer kind in your ravenous, fear-mongering jaws! Thank you!!

Something explosive will happen to you this month and this time it is finally not IBS-related! I don’t know if you have noticed since the last eight times I have mentioned it, but Mercury is in retrograde, and as a result your communication skills and bank account are in dangerous territory so you are feeling both unpopular and poor. This might be a good time to locate and cling to a Pisces, who is always feeling unpopular and poor.