Early October Horoscopes

Kristopher Kennedy
Contributing Writer

21 March –20 April
We know you miss ATO. But you gotta stop spending every Saturday night dancing all alone in the Beer Gardens.

20 April –21 May
You will stop drinking two Four Lokos every night, and start drinking two Forties instead. Is this character development?

21 May –21 June
Think you set an all-time high last week, when you asked “Can I go to the bathroom?” and sat in the stall YikYakking for eight minutes? Well, good news: you’re about to break that record again.

21 June –23 July
If you send her one more Spongebob GIF, she’s going to call the police.

23 July –23 August
You stumble into All Saint’s. It’s 4:37 on Friday night, and even though you’ve been an atheist now for twelve years, you ask God to forgive you.

23 August –23 September
You will stop overthinking, and start over BOGO-ing.

23 September –23 October
You decide to watch The Wolf of Wall Street for the first time, and get some dangerous ideas, but the little voice in your head says, “No wtf that’s a horrible idea.” If only it weren’t for that little voice, you might actually find Sewanee tolerable.

23 October –22 November
You will adjudicate a blood-battle to the death, fought between two dissenters aiming to resolve the ancient question: PRE or FYP?

23 November –22 December
No, no. Don’t worry. We get head lice at Sewanee all the time.

22 December –20 January
You wake up Sunday morning full of regret. You can’t remember if it was a dream or if it really happened. You were running away from the University Farm last night, with all those mums in your arms, and you screamed, “They’re mine now, goats!”

20 January –19 February
Just when you think you’re starting to enjoy the University of the South, you get a $100 ticket from the SPD for pull-through parking. Man, I hate this place.

19 February –21 March
Stop quoting those Deuteronomy passages. John Benson’s emails are your God now.