Chloe Wright

Junior Editor

All of the following horoscopes are completely true, valid, and not made up, for I am a messenger sent by the stars themselves and not a freshman in college with access to a computer and a knack for goofing off.

Aries

Go on that road trip with your partner. Resorts are expensive, but what’s not is couchsurfing in your buddy’s dorm. For situations that don’t apply to the very specific horoscope I gave, I suggest reaching out to your friends over break and saying hi. I know they’d appreciate it. 

Taurus

Self love needs to be more important to you. Cherish yourself! Look in the mirror and go, “This is the person I need to spend most of my time thinking about instead of some crusty boy who thinks backwards hats and half-grown mustaches make him hot.” That’s the spirit you need to let yourself go during summer break. Or you can grow the mustache and make it work better than he can.

Gemini

Pick up a new skill over break. It doesn’t have to be intense, but with the Internet on our side, you can look up a tutorial for basically anything. I bookmarked a WikiHow article on how to backflip. But you can knit, crochet, whatever! Join Leo and learn to cartwheel together. What a fun bonding experience.

Cancer

Summer is the time for the beach, and if you’re not allergic, I think you should give eating seafood a go. I’m not saying this because your mascot is the crab. I’m not promoting cannibalism. Try a lobster instead. Close enough without being morally questionable. 

Leo

May the spirit of the lion help teach you how to do a cartwheel. Put a spring in your step! And let Gemini join you because they need to spend the time they have in their hands. 

Virgo

Put down the phone and stop being passive aggressive on YikYak. You’re too grown for that. Instead, read a book or do yoga. Just do anything except complain. 

Libra

Be more confident! You have talent and people around you who care about you so, so much. The good days will come, and if it’s a bad day today, then the fight isn’t over. 

Scorpio

This is a time for healing. Listen to the breeze, eat your favorite food, and lie back. Look within yourself and see what fulfills you and what doesn’t.

Sagittarius

I feel like you should get into paint-by-numbers. Look them up on Amazon or a more ethical shopping site. Complain to the stars about your horoscope. I’m merely a messenger. 

Capricorn

Some of y’all need to take a chill pill. AP US History happened too long ago, and it’s time to move on. Just because you didn’t get a 5 doesn’t mean that the trajectory of your life is forever changed. 

Aquarius

Do not make eye contact with the old woman in the long fur coat on 22nd street. If she coaxes you into her store, turn the other way. She may tell you she only wants to be your friend. She is not your friend.

Pisces

I prescribe you Chappell Roan’s entire discography.