by Katie Kenerly
Hey, gang! As we begin another semester, I thought it necessary to bring up an issue that has plagued Sewanee for far too long (well,at least since 1969). It was brought to my attention recently by several disgruntled male students that there is an outrageous number of female students in positions of power across our campus. Are you kidding me?!? Women given authority? Whose boneheaded call was that??? I mean, it’s basically proven by science that having a woman in charge of absolutely anything will undeniably lead to failure and, often times, death, for their menstrual cycles are notorious for attracting dangerous wildlife. Bears, sharks, any number of deadly fowl, sea serpents… Seriously, look it up, I read all of this on the internet somewhere.
As if this weren’t enough, women also pose a serious threat to your health, as their uteruses radiate a chemical energy that causes cancer. A woman can literally give you cancer and kill you with as little as an embrace. In giving a woman a leadership position you may as well be handing her a loaded gun. Women are dangerous, you guys, and you should avoid them at all costs if you value your life.
Not only are women an overall liability to have around because, you know, lady processes, they are also known to be terrible leaders. Women’s bodies are riddled with hormones that cause them to be less rational than men and they often make snap decisions based on emotion rather than reason. Does that sound like someone you want in charge? Didn’t think so…
To corroborate these facts, there are literally dozens of atrocious female leaders throughout history: Hillary Clinton, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa, Queen Elizabeth I, and Oprah, just to name a few. Adele Ewan (C’14), Women’s Center resident, had this to add: “Women aren’t even really people anyways. All we do is drink wine and plan our weddings.”
Joanna Parkman (C’14), fellow “Wick” dweller, seems to be in agreement with Ewan: “It makes me feel really uncomfortable when leadership on campus mirrors the demographics of our student body. The last thing I need in my life right now is a supportive role model who relates to my perspective.” With such powerful testimony to the evils of women, it’s hard not to resent them for their prominent positions around campus. Stop women today, before they get the chance to harm you and your loved ones with their toxic uteruses and horrible leadership skills.